learning to get off of SL quicker and it becomes easier, even if I want to talk about something….

at least it gets easier.

read an article today about scheduling your SL time and being able to take enough time for RL and when RL is done taking that time and using it for SL…. its called Second Life because it is second to the First life.

So I am going to the gym for the first time in months tomorrow…. and have that scheduled for the next few days… as well as some inserted time for make up school work that I didn’t do, and studying for Chem.

…. this is all about moving forward….

and then if the Djing thing… if I pick it back up….. will be fun.

keep your mouth shut
in this moment,
a word could cause
destruction again…

you’ve said all
you need to little one….

now move…

move on.

From “Burnt Norton”

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.
But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know.
Other echoes
Inhabit the garden. Shall we follow?
Quick, said the bird, find them, find them,
Round the corner. Through the first gate,
Into our first world, shall we follow
The deception of the thrush? Into our first world.
There they were, dignified, invisible,
Moving without pressure, over the dead leaves,
In the autumn heat, through the vibrant air,
And the bird called, in response to
The unheard music hidden in the shrubbery,
And the unseen eyebeam crossed, for the roses
Had the look of flowers that are looked at.
There they were as our guests, accepted and accepting.
So we moved, and they, in a formal pattern,
Along the empty alley, into the box circle,
To look down into the drained pool.
Dry the pool, dry concrete, brown edged,
And the pool was filled with water out of sunlight,
And the lotos rose, quietly, quietly,
The surface glittered out of heart of light,
And they were behind us, reflected in the pool.
Then a cloud passed, and the pool was empty.
Go, said the bird, for the leaves were full of children,
Hidden excitedly, containing laughter.
Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.

… I wonder if she sent this…

though, on a lighter side…. this one cracked the shit out of me… LOL! one of my new favorites— very close to the one i saved that said, “I feel guilty when I touch my teddy bear between the legs.”

Hear that world? No one is safe. Not one. Cover your backsides America…. LOL. sorry, I wish I knew this person….though not so they could check out my butt, but just because I bet they’d be fun.

There is not much to say tonight….

but i feel as though i should say something before I toss myself to sleep… earlier than i am used to.

I have realized that I do not need that thing to keep me from being lonely….. because I am not lonely these days… I am okay with myself… well not with MYSELF but i am getting better at being okay in the empty moments. as, i have mostly been alone.

but, i am trying to change. i know it needs to happen…. and i think a lot of people reach this point….. at least, that is what i am told……

but i am smiling…. self deprecating a bit, though who wouldn’t be when they actually start to admit the bad things….. i dont want them to be true so i act like they are not—- but they are there even in the cover up…. and its hard to share the bad things you’ve done with the people you’ve done it to…. but i guess i have nothing left to lose…..

[deep breath]

it’s going to be okay…. and as i said a very long time ago… i am going to look back one day and think “hey i am on flat land…. and that hump? oh shit— it’s all the way back there….”

I have been humbled tonight…..greatly……

Ken was honest with me once… so honest that she felt like crap after….. she told me that I was unbelievingly self centered….which i was…. and that all I cared about was myself and that I didn’t even see the people around me who were proud of me and who cared about me….

and I think that this (my self-centeredness) is why they told me that I needed to take a break… I needed not to take a break because of me… because of how hurt I said I was, etc…. but because of what I was doing to them…. I just kept hurting them with my anger…and refused to get the point and own up to my shit…… on my own self-centered note— they weren’t hurting me either, this was me hurting myself.

I read once that anger is like an acid and does more harm to its container than on which it is poured….and for all the heartache I have caused it is no wonder that I am feeling about myself what I am…

For a week I have been trying to figure out why I am so angry and frustrated…. and it is all towards myself (the anger I mean). Because I know that I am completely responsible for what happened. And even worse… I tried to blame so many other people for it….and I could sit here and come up with reasons why, but I will not justify it this time. This is my shit. Mine. I did it. I didn’t think. And no matter how irrational it was, it DID hurt people, and it was cruel, and I have to be able to understand this and reap the consequences….

Ken was right in everything she said, “Friends don’t do that.” And they don’t. And her truth made me so angry because I didn’t want it to be true…. and could you blame me? Who would want that to be true?

and I need to face, for one fucking minute that I didn’t just fuck up, I really really hurt people. That in the end, that’s what this was…. and that not even my worst enemy deserved how I treated them….and they were people that I CARE so deeply about….and that I haven’t wanted to believe that I hurt them…because what kind of “friend” does that?

My definition of one (a friend) has always been about how they benefit me..I know that, and in the back of my mind I have always known that. Though I know it is a reciprocal thing, I’ve always been arrogant that I have this figured out (you know what it means to be a friend) and that it is other people who don’t. But I think everything has just been a reflection of how I treat other people, and the actions I am responsible for…. and to hear, honestly hear how what i did, has hurt someone the way that it has… like they weren’t valuable to me… like everything was just a joke…. everything I said a lie…. that I didn’t care for them at all….my God….

and I really don’t feel awful now because of how they reacted to me… I feel awful really awful for what I have done….

No one, as I said, deserves what I put them through… especially the few people that I cared about the most…and I am refusing to justify it this time with “well… I’m bipolar so it’s okay….” because it’s not. I am still responsible for my actions….

I almost want to go back and delete everything I have said about this situation for the past week… but I won’t because that is what it was….and I need for that to be okay….I need to be able to look at it and say, yes, I did this….I felt this… and I was wrong.

I need to think more though…. I need to really think about what happened… and not what happened to me but what I did… sit in the corner and think about it… and not even think about it in my second life…. but think about how it comes out also in my real life… my first life…..

I have other things to say… I know… but they will wait for another, non morning time…..and will happen with it is time…..

You know… I have been watching that video a few times, as I had only REALLY known the music before. I find it to be so interesting how they do it. Meaning, there are people in the audience, and she jumps into a tank, hands cuffed, and begins to drown. That’s what the sorrow is. The drowning….but she doesn’t drown, and the last line of the song is “Joy. Will. Come.”

I think it’s beautiful still…..

I have been thinking/dreaming since last night (surprise at least I went to bed way earlier than I used to) and there is something that I want to say to one person. To be honest she might not ever read this and I have to be okay with that. But if she does, she will know it is to her:

I really hope that one day you realize what you did. I understand that I told you I didn’t want you in my life anymore, but that didn’t mean to share every secret that I told you. I didn’t share yours with others, and yes I do have secrets of yours that you may not remember. I didn’t share those secrets of the others’ secrets. Yet you felt totally compelled to share every bad part of me, and for what reason? To feel better about yourself? To feel better about the fact that I released you from my life? To try to cover the hurt with anger? The guilt with anger? You played the victim that night, and you weren’t until I made you one. Granted I really needed a break, but there were other ways of making me take it than sharing things that didn’t need to be shared. In the end YOU ALSO hurt those people that I hurt… you might not even realize it now… but you did. And you killed me inside, and for what reason? Revenge? Well you accomplished what you wanted. Keep those people all to yourself and take the attention that they give and use it to your advantage. Then go out and smoke a parliament and realize that they don’t make you any less lonely… and that one day, like me, they will find out the truth about you as I had to.

Yet I know I am hurting so bad because I still love you. I kicked you out of my life also in anger, and now you have said you are “scared” of me, but I know that is you on egg shells. But it hurts more because I did care so deeply for you my friend, or my not so friend. I don’t know. And I wish that I could make the thoughts all stop, the thoughts of why and how this all happened. I guess that is what happens to anyone who tries to keep secrets. Any story— the unrighteous hero is killed somehow.

And in my Shakespearean tragedy you were the one who stabbed me with the poisoned sword…

If you really cared about me ever, you wouldn’t have done what you did, and believe me I know much of it. And I will move on, and time will pass and I will heal and start again…. and maybe I will be lucky to have a friend like you who has more of a conscience that if we were never friends again, they would still respect my privacy as I would theirs. That they would let the moment that I have messed up (as I know I will) pass, and they will be there saying, “I know you don’t want me but I am here….” and not “It is so hard to be your friend.”

That is the kind of person I want in my life…. though I doubt many would want who you are….. on the inside.

Better thought: Maybe you need a break as well….

Sorrow…

Fly leaf is wonderful… I’ve been listening to them for years…. and I think I really dig the way they make their music videos. They are though, a Christian Screamo/Rock/Punk band I guess. Most of their stuff isn’t all preachy or anything, but when I first started to listen to them (when I was working at my college bookstore we used to get samples or new bands on the labels that we sold and they were one of the demo’s I got before the first CD came out) ANNYWAY so when I first started to listen to them, I read up on them and thought that it was really cool that they wanted to be a band that sang music which normally had so many negatives in it, and they wanted to shed hope within their lyrics. Not by mentioning Jesus, but just by saying— yes this sucks ass, however….

great music. watch the video cool kid.

In Our Time… a reflection on my essay…

Finally finished my paper for American Lit on In Our Time… I am actually quite happy that I wrote the paper on this novel or else I wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I do right now. Sure my prof. said it would be a fun paper, a fun conversation and it is. I am going to post an excerpt from it since I think it is quite fascinating and also quite beautiful…

“And while there are critics who view the story as Nick story alone, it’s not his alone, it is his as well. Really, it is the story of everyone, even though each story might not match up particularly. But they all share some good, and some bad, or some just bad, and some just good. And, the canvas of everything, the binding of the book, only holds these stories as overlapping events into a world that we are all intimate with even if the situations are seen from afar. We all experience death, hunger, hurt, love, betrayal, frustration, etc. We all have the capacity to do harm and good as well. But, as the poet Oriah Mountain Dreamer put best, “I want to know if you can be alone/ with yourself/ and if you truly like the company you keep/ in the empty moments” (The Invitation).
The end of the book is this exactly. In fact, Nick enjoys that company he keeps so much more at that moment, than deciding to go into the swamp, yet he knows its there for when he is ready. It’s almost as if the story comes to a point there by saying, “there will seem to be as much bad as there is good in the world, and although the bad is so much more memorable it makes those good moments worth it. And those times alone, seem blissful, and they are there for you at the end of the day.” It also seems to point at the end of the story that these things will change the world, and the way we view it. Nick notices how the town is deserted, which means that it wasn’t once. And yet, again, in the change, and in the quiet, it’s okay. It just is. The fish, swimming beneath him are okay as well. And it that’s where the web lies connecting this story , and separating it from a collection of stories, even if that’s what it is as well. The main theme of the novel lies in how connected we all are, and how each of our experiences aren’t that different from each other, even if they lie in different situations.”

There is probably some proofreading left to be done in that… but I would say that it is a beautiful thing, that we are all connected. Especially with my previous posts and what I have been feeling and the conversations I have had. I am reminded for once of the beauty of the world even in the horrible things that happen. In knowing that we are all human and that we are all capable of death of dying of causing it or living it. And in the end, the best part of it is being happy in those moments with our own company… and I am happy that I am pursuing this. Though as the novel shares it isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy though we would like it to be.

And one day, I as well will venture back to the swamp. But for now, I’d like to try and have the fishes and the silence be intimate parts of my life…

I would like to end up like Nick, in my own life. And I think I hope that for anyone who cares to read my words…

I hope for everyone to enjoy the company they keep in the empty moments.

Ah… the beauty of the human predicament.

“I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.”

Goal: I want this…. then I want to go back…. not until then. That would make me a hypocrite, and who needs that? I already won’t get my friends back, better like the company I keep in the empty moments……ideal? maybe?

This is however already in the works…. I made a few phone calls today and yesterday—- it’s about time for another hump I guess….. just in a non sexual way.