I have been humbled tonight…..greatly……

Ken was honest with me once… so honest that she felt like crap after….. she told me that I was unbelievingly self centered….which i was…. and that all I cared about was myself and that I didn’t even see the people around me who were proud of me and who cared about me….

and I think that this (my self-centeredness) is why they told me that I needed to take a break… I needed not to take a break because of me… because of how hurt I said I was, etc…. but because of what I was doing to them…. I just kept hurting them with my anger…and refused to get the point and own up to my shit…… on my own self-centered note— they weren’t hurting me either, this was me hurting myself.

I read once that anger is like an acid and does more harm to its container than on which it is poured….and for all the heartache I have caused it is no wonder that I am feeling about myself what I am…

For a week I have been trying to figure out why I am so angry and frustrated…. and it is all towards myself (the anger I mean). Because I know that I am completely responsible for what happened. And even worse… I tried to blame so many other people for it….and I could sit here and come up with reasons why, but I will not justify it this time. This is my shit. Mine. I did it. I didn’t think. And no matter how irrational it was, it DID hurt people, and it was cruel, and I have to be able to understand this and reap the consequences….

Ken was right in everything she said, “Friends don’t do that.” And they don’t. And her truth made me so angry because I didn’t want it to be true…. and could you blame me? Who would want that to be true?

and I need to face, for one fucking minute that I didn’t just fuck up, I really really hurt people. That in the end, that’s what this was…. and that not even my worst enemy deserved how I treated them….and they were people that I CARE so deeply about….and that I haven’t wanted to believe that I hurt them…because what kind of “friend” does that?

My definition of one (a friend) has always been about how they benefit me..I know that, and in the back of my mind I have always known that. Though I know it is a reciprocal thing, I’ve always been arrogant that I have this figured out (you know what it means to be a friend) and that it is other people who don’t. But I think everything has just been a reflection of how I treat other people, and the actions I am responsible for…. and to hear, honestly hear how what i did, has hurt someone the way that it has… like they weren’t valuable to me… like everything was just a joke…. everything I said a lie…. that I didn’t care for them at all….my God….

and I really don’t feel awful now because of how they reacted to me… I feel awful really awful for what I have done….

No one, as I said, deserves what I put them through… especially the few people that I cared about the most…and I am refusing to justify it this time with “well… I’m bipolar so it’s okay….” because it’s not. I am still responsible for my actions….

I almost want to go back and delete everything I have said about this situation for the past week… but I won’t because that is what it was….and I need for that to be okay….I need to be able to look at it and say, yes, I did this….I felt this… and I was wrong.

I need to think more though…. I need to really think about what happened… and not what happened to me but what I did… sit in the corner and think about it… and not even think about it in my second life…. but think about how it comes out also in my real life… my first life…..

I have other things to say… I know… but they will wait for another, non morning time…..and will happen with it is time…..