If it hasn’t been clear I must be crazy. I mean, I MUST be crazy. Here I sit sometimes, writing a BLOG… yes, a BLOG, and totally ignoring the fact that this really awesome girl, who I am more than lucky to have met, is in my life. And instead of being diplomatic and whatever, I have just come into it all, expecting that I deserved how she treats me (REALLY well). And what do I do in return? Well sometimes, dear reader, when she offers advice that I don’t want when I am upset and just want to sit there all upset like, I snip at her. I get frustrated– and while mean is a strong word– that’s what I am.

And I think it was last night that I just realized that I can be actually mean to her. I mean, I know I am a human and I have things that “go on.” And it is always easier to take things out on people that you care about. But I was realizing that if she were to tell me this moment that she met someone else, my heart would definitely be hurting. And I have never gauged it that way before. Ever.

You know, honestly, sometimes I will sit in the bar/club with her and watch other couples or watch the single ones, waiting at the bar to be picked up. And I wonder what it would be like if I were with that person instead. And most of the time I am unsure, and it makes me want to find out— but I don’t think any of them would ever be as wonderful as the girl that I am talking about. It just doesn’t seem possible.

And sometimes it just feels like I am trying to fight off all of these feelings that I have (sometimes) because of every unsaid fear I have about them all. I have never had to worry about someone else’s feelings before (I mean friends and family sure— but not in this way). And I have never had to share myself in this way with anyone before. In fact I would never even have let myself get this far emotionally with anyone. And I feel like I just have this wall in-front of me that I keep refusing to take down because I am so worried of what might come beyond it. And just realizing it doesn’t change anything.

At the same time, I know she has one of her own. I KNOW how badly people have hurt her in the past, and I don’t want to be like those other girls. And while I am honest almost all of the time, I get soooo worried about some things that I don’t want to talk about them. I mean…. technically we have been dating for a month. Right? But I would still be too scared to call her my girlfriend.

And none of this is her. None of my worries, or frustrations. You know— I am sick right? And most of the time I am exhausted. So, she will let me lay in her bed and sleep until I need to go/ want to go— and not complain about it. On top of that she will make me dinner, and send her brother to the store to get food if she doesn’t have any in the house— just so that I smile and so that I am happy. I could want something not sold in America and she would drive 9 hours to Canada and back to get it for me at 3 am (Okay— maybe exaggerating— but you get the picture).

I don’t know.

I am crazy— and I suck at this relationship stuff.