I have never had to make a harder decision in my life (so far). You would think that deciding on where to go to school or what classes to take or who to date or who to come out to would be more difficult combined– but for whatever reason this Soulforce thing, is a big deal. I want to be able to know that if I decide to go that not only will I be accepted back here— but I will also be able to have a place to stay before and after the trip. As of right now— these are my options:

1. Stay at home and work (if my dad and step mother allow me to– but knowing them this won’t be an option).
2. Stay with my mom and work (this is only an option for three days at a time).
3. Find my own apt in the area and just not live there for two months.
4. Stay with a friend after camp and then stay with someone until Christmas break and then live at my school for break (at 6 dollars a night). (about 200 dollars or something like that– aka not bad– but will only work if they let me come back etc).

And right now I see nothing filling them up. My parents are pretty against me going. They say that I need to get my degree first and then I can do whatever I want. Trust me Mom and Dad— if it were that easy I would have said yes in a heart beat without having to think it through. If it were that second semester— I would SO be there SO fast. And I wouldn’t even have to think about staying at home because they would let me because then they wouldn’t care what I did. Although I know then they would say, “Get a job first and then do whatever you want.” Then “pay your loans back first and then do whatever you want.” So I guess I am always losing.

How have other people who have done the Equality Ride deal with all of these uncertainties? Have any of them ever had to deal with them? I guess I am so scared of what bouncing around looks like, you know? I mean, I understand my parents’ concerns. They are concerns that I have had myself. You know?

And for my friends their concern is the H. But that is a big debate. The more conservatives say, “Well– The H shouldn’t let you back,” while others say, “Will people even realize?” While even others say, “Oh they will let you back. I can’t believe you are even worried about it.” Out of the three– the one I hear the most is the first one. Most of it comes out of their ignorance, and the fact that I speak too fast sometimes. But I think part of it is uncertainty. They don’t agree with it— but want to act in love— but are not sure how to respond to it. I am sure they think the H would be doing what most Christian organizations would do.

But good news is that I got a job at Apple. They offered it to me today. I start Sat. Woohoo! I am so excited. Did you know that I had to go through 4— count them FOUR interviews. But at least I was offered the job. I CANT WAIT.

Also though, I got my blood tests back and I have a slightly high WBC and a high SED level. (it’s 27 and the highest that normally it should be is 20 or something). So I guess its not TOO bad. But I have to go in earrrrly on friday so that I am not late for my test at 9:10. All I can say is, “ugh gross.” At first I said, “I am developing cancer.” But i dont think this is really true. But I am glad they did the tests because now I can say for certain, “TOLD YOU DR SO AND SO WHO BRUSHED ME OFF!” I kneeew something was wrong with me. But isn’t it always that way?

Anyway I will keep you all updated on that (if you care).

peace.