So for once I will write a serious blog. Possibly like the ones that I started with. (Originally I needed to write what I did because I was so insecure in coming out). To be honest though, nothing has changed.

But lately I have been realize that I am in so much pain. Still from my grandmothers death (that for whatever reasons I am refusing to deal with). And then with the fact that I know my “friends” pray for me, because I am no longer Christian, and because I am gay.

This became much more of a realization the other night when I was hanging out with my friend of the same name. Now, she is a good friend; very patient. But, since I have told her I have been refusing to accept the fact that I know she doesn’t think that my “lifestyle choices” are okay. Her words were that she “doesn’t approve” of it. Now this phrase is a normal phrase used by Christians. And you know what I think? I think it makes them sound cocky. I am NOT looking for your approval. And it isn’t YOURS to approve. Or they say, “I don’t accept it.” If you don’t “accept” it does it mean that it isn’t real? Like you refuse to accept that it’s true? Or that you don’t accept that part of me? Because of course you still accept me, right? WRONG. I don’t want you to only accept the parts of me you like. That is not love.

And of course this friend has done a pretty OK job at trying to love me. She told me, “I am not really sure what to do.” Which I think means that she is not sure how to react because she wants to love me, but isn’t sure if loving me means supporting me or ignoring it or I don’t know. But all of these words: accepting, approving, supporting (with supporting being the more appropriate one) it sounds like my self worth is contingent upon if you say it is OK or not. “I support you but not it.” I mean isn’t that almost an oxymoron???

See– I think that Christians need to stop picking and choosing. This is part of the reason that I am NOT a Christian. I do not want to pick and choose. Christians do that enough themselves and I don’t want to try to stretch the bible to make it work for me. As I see it now, it just doesn’t work for me. In fact it doesn’t really work for anyone, but they justify it. Mostly this is done inwardly with “well at least I don’t have the same sins as so and so.” Or it is done outwardly with, “We are all sinners and we will never be perfect.”

And people wonder why I hate excuses.

Because it’s all to justify everything. I am so tired of justifying everything. You know? And I am the queen of justification. I love things to look okay. I love it.

You know, today in one of my classes we were talking about legends and without thinking about it I used Jesus as an example. Besides the fact that everyone (but me) in my class take this story for truth, Jesus totally fits the context of a legend. In his story he did WAY more impossible things than an ordinary man. Performed many miracles, etc. And as time has gone on the story has grown into something much bigger and more untrue than it started out as I think. Meaning, Christians now make Jesus out to be something He probably wasn’t seen as originally. (Example: Jesus does not just appear to you every time you cry and hug you and let you take comfort into His bosom). I mean, if He has for you then great. But for the majority of us sinners, He hasn’t. “It’s a figure of speech” you argue. But I argue that it is legend.

But that’s just me. And this is all I have to say.