The conversation is important!

I can’t sleep (even though I should have been in bed two hours ago seeing as I have to babysit in the morning). It just seems that my night has been very eventful. First- I spoke with a friend that I hadn’t spoken with in a while (nothing has changed there). Then- I spoke with a woman at JFJ (that I shouldn’t have) who basically sent an e-mail out that I would like to say “profiled” me. I think it ended well, but who knows, she might send out another. And then right as I was about to get into bed (after finding out that my friend who had been engaged for a while ended his relationship with the girl and failed out of my school) I checked my e-mail (one last time like I always do before bed) and I had an e-mail.

And this e-mail was from Haven Herrin who is the director (i believe) of Soulforce Q. And her e-mail was to send me a link to apply to the Soulforce 2008 Equality Ride. Now we had e-mailed once or twice, and I think in one she had asked if I was interested in the Equality Ride, and I think I told her that I’d love to do it some day, but that since it was going to be next fall (my last semester) that I didn’t think it would work. So I was never expecting her to send a link my way. (She probably sent them to anyone she knew might be interested). And at first, I was a little shocked. Nervous. Hoping that the dates might be that spring. But, alas they weren’t.

So what did I do? I called my father. I asked his advice. And of course, his advice was to just finish school asap.

But even in the hour or two that I have been contemplating this, I have come up with a bunch of different ideas about it.

1. I want to do it. (Or rather I need to do it).
2. If my school actually let me come back (after possibly deferring for the semester) I would be able to graduate in the spring, and then have a better chance of getting a job (since people always expect students to be done in the spring) not only that- but I’d be able to walk without having to come back after 6 months.
3. If my school were to let me come back all I would have to do is talk with the professor I TA for (no matter how scary it might be) and tell him where I am. Why I need to go on something like the ER.
4. I could apply and not even get accepted, and then I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this.

SO, I am going to apply– this week. And then I am going to wait, talk with my dean of students, and if all goes well with him, AND say I get accepted, I would then talk with the professor, and work everything out.

I know this can work. I need it to. I’ve known since they came to my school that I wanted to do the ER. I think the conversation is so important. Regardless of your theological beliefs, it NEEDS to be talked about. People need to know they can talk about it. (It’s here that I compare Soulforce to the “To Write Love on Her Arms” movement). Hard things MUST be talked about, because they are SO harmful if they are ignored.

You know?

If you pray, keep me in your thoughts… alright?

So for once I will write a serious blog. Possibly like the ones that I started with. (Originally I needed to write what I did because I was so insecure in coming out). To be honest though, nothing has changed.

But lately I have been realize that I am in so much pain. Still from my grandmothers death (that for whatever reasons I am refusing to deal with). And then with the fact that I know my “friends” pray for me, because I am no longer Christian, and because I am gay.

This became much more of a realization the other night when I was hanging out with my friend of the same name. Now, she is a good friend; very patient. But, since I have told her I have been refusing to accept the fact that I know she doesn’t think that my “lifestyle choices” are okay. Her words were that she “doesn’t approve” of it. Now this phrase is a normal phrase used by Christians. And you know what I think? I think it makes them sound cocky. I am NOT looking for your approval. And it isn’t YOURS to approve. Or they say, “I don’t accept it.” If you don’t “accept” it does it mean that it isn’t real? Like you refuse to accept that it’s true? Or that you don’t accept that part of me? Because of course you still accept me, right? WRONG. I don’t want you to only accept the parts of me you like. That is not love.

And of course this friend has done a pretty OK job at trying to love me. She told me, “I am not really sure what to do.” Which I think means that she is not sure how to react because she wants to love me, but isn’t sure if loving me means supporting me or ignoring it or I don’t know. But all of these words: accepting, approving, supporting (with supporting being the more appropriate one) it sounds like my self worth is contingent upon if you say it is OK or not. “I support you but not it.” I mean isn’t that almost an oxymoron???

See– I think that Christians need to stop picking and choosing. This is part of the reason that I am NOT a Christian. I do not want to pick and choose. Christians do that enough themselves and I don’t want to try to stretch the bible to make it work for me. As I see it now, it just doesn’t work for me. In fact it doesn’t really work for anyone, but they justify it. Mostly this is done inwardly with “well at least I don’t have the same sins as so and so.” Or it is done outwardly with, “We are all sinners and we will never be perfect.”

And people wonder why I hate excuses.

Because it’s all to justify everything. I am so tired of justifying everything. You know? And I am the queen of justification. I love things to look okay. I love it.

You know, today in one of my classes we were talking about legends and without thinking about it I used Jesus as an example. Besides the fact that everyone (but me) in my class take this story for truth, Jesus totally fits the context of a legend. In his story he did WAY more impossible things than an ordinary man. Performed many miracles, etc. And as time has gone on the story has grown into something much bigger and more untrue than it started out as I think. Meaning, Christians now make Jesus out to be something He probably wasn’t seen as originally. (Example: Jesus does not just appear to you every time you cry and hug you and let you take comfort into His bosom). I mean, if He has for you then great. But for the majority of us sinners, He hasn’t. “It’s a figure of speech” you argue. But I argue that it is legend.

But that’s just me. And this is all I have to say.