It is snowing today. So much that I am so glad that I haven’t had to go out at all. My car is in a garage, and I don’t have to worry about being “snowed-in.” Especially since my school is about 30 min.s away from me. I love the snow though, outside of the whole having a car factor. In a way also, I wish so much that we could all have a mid-night-snow-ball-fight.

Anyway, on to what I wanted to say.

Have you ever had one of those times, where you just know that you need to write, but you just can’t quite find the correct words to say, out of fear that they will be taken wrong— or even worse—- right?

Initially, I feel like I have so much to hide, and as I am willing to tell anyone, my walls are think and sturdy. Seriously, even after you have gotten over, I tend to build newer ones depending on the situations. I don’t know why I do this. I am not sure it really accomplishes anything. Maybe I have just convinced myself that life hurts less during those times. I mean, I even think that I ironically, at times, even plead for myself. I try not to. In fact I hold a lot of my self back. Until I am then backed into a corner.

Are these natural reactions? Or, at the very least, learned? I mean, who said that this would make things better? We know that animals, when they are abused, usually run from anything that resembles what first abused them. In fact, I have a cat at home named Iris, who runs from everyone except my step-mother. She is the one person that she has allowed to get close. (I lost that trust when I had to get her into the cat carrier when we moved— she hates me now).

So, I lost my chance, you know? (with the cat).

But, can it be decided that it is a natural response to shy away, out of fear of hurting, and not necessarily fear of hurting someone else? Personally, I believe that I am much more likely to be afraid of being hurt than hurting even though I know that I am very, very capable of it. Or maybe, I am afraid to be hurt because my ability to hurt doesn’t just hurt others, it hurts myself also. Maybe?

And everything I do (and i hate admitting this) has my biased and own agenda as a part of it. (I assume I am not alone on this). Most of the time, I am sorry that I am that way. But, then again, sometimes I am not sure if I’m capable of making anyone else’s agenda part of my own. Or rather, I am not sure I even want to. And I guess it is because I am not sure if it is worth it.

However, I think in the end, it comes down to the fact that I want to believe in love so badly. I want to believe that it exists somewhere, for me. And I want to believe that I, this scared–self-centered–guarded—child, have the capacity to keep to allow someone in, who can cause me to say, “I love you.”

Although, in the back of my head I have the advice from one of my professors who says that we shouldn’t say that we love someone (in a romantic way) because it means a lot more than we mean it to. And he says that love is an action (which is totally supported by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13—”Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”) Someone told me once that the reason they like this verse is because they are all actions. They are all things you do to a person. Meaning to love means you act patiently, you act kindly. You DON’T act with envy, and you don’t boast….etc. I have always liked that view on it, because I think it’s something that everyone (even non-christians) can agree are acts of love. But maybe I am wrong. Everyone is a huge generalization, but I think I will stay with what I have said.

So anyway, back to my professor, he says that you shouldn’t say that you “love” that your significant other is attractive. I mean, I don’t love someone because they are smart or cute or nice. Because they get along with my friends or will “watch the game” with me and have “a beer.” I LIKE those things. I like that they have those qualities. And to say “I HATE that they have bad morning breath,” wouldn’t be correct either. It would be, “I don’t like.” Mostly because I think he believes (and I think I might agree with him) that these things that you like or don’t like shouldn’t play much of a part on if you love someone or not. I think as Americans (at least) we get confused by this because we are teaching ourselves that when you are in love, you feel something. And, maybe you do, but I think the reason that so many people divorce is because they believe that initial “honey-moon-phase” feeling is love, and when it is gone, they are out of love. But, if love is an action, maybe that means that when you don’t love somebody, you aren’t willing to act in love to them anymore. Or maybe it’s more when you don’t love somebody it means that you aren’t doing the things above. I would have a hard time believing that someone who tore me down all the time, liked me. But I would refuse to believe that they loved me, because their actions aren’t that of love at all.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you need to have a “perfect” love. That would mean that you were always acting in perfect love all the time, and to ask that of anyone would be asking way way way too much. Especially because that’s just unrealistic.

It is just that I think that this idea of love as an action, a verb, whatever is such a good one.

I think I also like the concept that Jesus mentions when he says, “Love your enemies…” and he goes on to say “do good to those who hate you.” I love this idea because, from personal experience, I just think it is such a hard thing to actually act in love for people you really hate, or dislike, or whatever. Especially those who hate you. Why would you want to be nice to them, or kind to them, or loving towards them? I know that I am personally too stubborn to do that. But still— I just like the idea.

anyway, sorry for such a strange rant today. i just have a lot on my mind I think. A lot of insecurities about things that I can hardly pin-point, and unassuredness towards situations that I think I would rather be more clear. But, how can it, when I don’t really understand most things to begin with?

Geeze, what is this about life that makes it a constant personal debate?

I should have been a philosophy major (or minor).