Call it my little gesture toward social conscience, but I like to think I’m teaching a certain number of people to read

It is snowing today. So much that I am so glad that I haven’t had to go out at all. My car is in a garage, and I don’t have to worry about being “snowed-in.” Especially since my school is about 30 min.s away from me. I love the snow though, outside of the whole having a car factor. In a way also, I wish so much that we could all have a mid-night-snow-ball-fight.

Anyway, on to what I wanted to say.

Have you ever had one of those times, where you just know that you need to write, but you just can’t quite find the correct words to say, out of fear that they will be taken wrong— or even worse—- right?

Initially, I feel like I have so much to hide, and as I am willing to tell anyone, my walls are think and sturdy. Seriously, even after you have gotten over, I tend to build newer ones depending on the situations. I don’t know why I do this. I am not sure it really accomplishes anything. Maybe I have just convinced myself that life hurts less during those times. I mean, I even think that I ironically, at times, even plead for myself. I try not to. In fact I hold a lot of my self back. Until I am then backed into a corner.

Are these natural reactions? Or, at the very least, learned? I mean, who said that this would make things better? We know that animals, when they are abused, usually run from anything that resembles what first abused them. In fact, I have a cat at home named Iris, who runs from everyone except my step-mother. She is the one person that she has allowed to get close. (I lost that trust when I had to get her into the cat carrier when we moved— she hates me now).

So, I lost my chance, you know? (with the cat).

But, can it be decided that it is a natural response to shy away, out of fear of hurting, and not necessarily fear of hurting someone else? Personally, I believe that I am much more likely to be afraid of being hurt than hurting even though I know that I am very, very capable of it. Or maybe, I am afraid to be hurt because my ability to hurt doesn’t just hurt others, it hurts myself also. Maybe?

And everything I do (and i hate admitting this) has my biased and own agenda as a part of it. (I assume I am not alone on this). Most of the time, I am sorry that I am that way. But, then again, sometimes I am not sure if I’m capable of making anyone else’s agenda part of my own. Or rather, I am not sure I even want to. And I guess it is because I am not sure if it is worth it.

However, I think in the end, it comes down to the fact that I want to believe in love so badly. I want to believe that it exists somewhere, for me. And I want to believe that I, this scared–self-centered–guarded—child, have the capacity to keep to allow someone in, who can cause me to say, “I love you.”

Although, in the back of my head I have the advice from one of my professors who says that we shouldn’t say that we love someone (in a romantic way) because it means a lot more than we mean it to. And he says that love is an action (which is totally supported by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13—”Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”) Someone told me once that the reason they like this verse is because they are all actions. They are all things you do to a person. Meaning to love means you act patiently, you act kindly. You DON’T act with envy, and you don’t boast….etc. I have always liked that view on it, because I think it’s something that everyone (even non-christians) can agree are acts of love. But maybe I am wrong. Everyone is a huge generalization, but I think I will stay with what I have said.

So anyway, back to my professor, he says that you shouldn’t say that you “love” that your significant other is attractive. I mean, I don’t love someone because they are smart or cute or nice. Because they get along with my friends or will “watch the game” with me and have “a beer.” I LIKE those things. I like that they have those qualities. And to say “I HATE that they have bad morning breath,” wouldn’t be correct either. It would be, “I don’t like.” Mostly because I think he believes (and I think I might agree with him) that these things that you like or don’t like shouldn’t play much of a part on if you love someone or not. I think as Americans (at least) we get confused by this because we are teaching ourselves that when you are in love, you feel something. And, maybe you do, but I think the reason that so many people divorce is because they believe that initial “honey-moon-phase” feeling is love, and when it is gone, they are out of love. But, if love is an action, maybe that means that when you don’t love somebody, you aren’t willing to act in love to them anymore. Or maybe it’s more when you don’t love somebody it means that you aren’t doing the things above. I would have a hard time believing that someone who tore me down all the time, liked me. But I would refuse to believe that they loved me, because their actions aren’t that of love at all.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you need to have a “perfect” love. That would mean that you were always acting in perfect love all the time, and to ask that of anyone would be asking way way way too much. Especially because that’s just unrealistic.

It is just that I think that this idea of love as an action, a verb, whatever is such a good one.

I think I also like the concept that Jesus mentions when he says, “Love your enemies…” and he goes on to say “do good to those who hate you.” I love this idea because, from personal experience, I just think it is such a hard thing to actually act in love for people you really hate, or dislike, or whatever. Especially those who hate you. Why would you want to be nice to them, or kind to them, or loving towards them? I know that I am personally too stubborn to do that. But still— I just like the idea.

anyway, sorry for such a strange rant today. i just have a lot on my mind I think. A lot of insecurities about things that I can hardly pin-point, and unassuredness towards situations that I think I would rather be more clear. But, how can it, when I don’t really understand most things to begin with?

Geeze, what is this about life that makes it a constant personal debate?

I should have been a philosophy major (or minor).

12 year old Genie in a Bottle

i love this video. Seriously. I have known of it for like two or so years (it was originally on google by the boy in the back) and it has always cracked me up. She is like 12 and has no idea what the words of the song are when it gets to “hormones racing at the speed of light, that don’t mean it’s gonna be tonight.” and then she knows “baby, baby, babyyyy.” and she knows that part because of course, duh all songs have that in it.

the brother really is the talent of it all. he is hysterical!

there is a point where he gets smacked by her on accident and falls over, and she sees him, and instead of laughing she just throws her head around like a maniac, because she wants to cover up her smile.

seriously. ace lip sync. just— a note to the girl: stop trying to be so seductive. it’s not cute.

If you don’t support Gay Marriage then don’t get one?

For some reason, the things that i have read (or viewed) recently seem to all have the same message: why should gay-marriage or homosexuality be such a big issue within out culture today. if it bothers you, many say, then don’t marry someone from the same-sex, or don’t date someone from the same sex, whatever.

someone on this blog that i read sometimes called “Not So Straight from the Seminary” this one girl was writing and she was talking about how many people make the comment that she should be grateful that people even acknowledge her humanity, because she is gay. And it made me start thinking a lot about the whole prospect of it. I mean, I am queer. That’s it. It doesn’t define me, it doesn’t label me, it just expresses my specific gender preference. When a heterosexual person is asked to define themselves the first thing they think isn’t usually “I’m straight.” In fact, they would have to be pretty politically correct to even mention it.

And, it just made me think about the fact that as people, in general, we are just always dehumanizing someone. I mean, everyone gets dehumanized some way. The Christians,for example, have people who really REALLY do not like them because they are Christian. Same with the Jews, same with the muslims, the blacks, the whites, the arab, the european, the American, etc. We all dehumanize someone. We all think we are better than someone. And we are all looking to justify ourselves, and to elevate ourselves, over someone, just because.

If you believe in the Old Testament, you might believe, as I do, that it started all the way back with Cain and Abel. God chose Abel over Cain, why? we are not exactly sure, but some assert that it is because (as I wrote in a previous entry sometime in September I think) because Cain just didn’t give as much as he could have. God recognizes that Abel gives the best of his best. Therefore he favors him. But God tells Cain that he can fix it, that he has the capacity to. And what does Cain do? He kills Abel. It is the only way to make sure that no one is above him. Without Abel, who is there?

And while we don’t literally (always) kill the people we want to be over, we kill them in spirit (for lack of a much better word). We just, kill them mentally with hatred, and within our own fear of being that bottom rung on the ladder.

It’s funny, on every missions trip that I have ever been on, there has always been someone who was the lowest person. Or, rather, the person that no one really likes. I mean this varies depending on who goes on the trip, but there is always someone.

In fact, I remember thinking on my first trip that if a certain person hadn’t been there, I would be the next in line (to take the scapegoat position). I mean, I KNOW that it sounds incredibly selfish, and that is because it is. But- it’s real.

Another example I have is from when I was in Campus Crusade, during the semester that I transfered. There was this one girl that I will never, ever forget. She was very very depressed, and liked to cause big dramatic scenes because she was scared that no one loved her. She wanted the attention, I think. But, she really drained everyone, and they all treated her with special care, but also got annoyed with her very very quickly. And she used to profess that she had found Jesus, almost every day, and that these people, and Jesus had fixed her (for that day). Then she would go back to the same thing, the next time we saw her. Finally, by the end of the semester, she was really drained and depressed. Suicidal. So, she thought the best thing to do would be to take the rest of the semester off, so she did. But the moment she left, there was no one for them to talk about. There was no “scapegoat” to have all of the un-resolved tension to fall onto. So, they had to find someone else. And they did. Within days.

And I think that is what it’s all about right now. Homosexuality isn’t really taboo anymore, but it has become this entity that homosexual people have to deal with. It’s the, “wow, you are homosexual? That has got to be so hard! Does anyone know? What did they say?” And then if you say, “They love me, so it was fine. They don’t care about my preference, they care that I am taking care of myself, and that I am happy.” and they get so impressed that your family or your friends (especially if they are Christian) still love you. I mean– it’s not like everything about me changed. In fact I was queer before I told you, and before I told them.

I just think it’s interesting that homosexuals actually have to come out. I guess it’s more that they are expected to be so proud that they are willing to talk about it. But coming out is more, hey listen I am gay, I hope that doesn’t bother you. But- why should MY sexuality bother YOU? You don’t have to be gay. I don’t know, it’s not like it changes anything.

But I guess I am getting ahead of myself, and not really coming to any concrete answers.

Mostly, I am just in agreement with the blog I mentioned earlier, and with Wanda Sykes who has a pretty funny comedy sketch about this, and with other people (like my roommate) who just don’t see what it should matter at all. If YOU don’t like it, don’t do it.

And in a quote I heard recently, I will end this blog:

“someone once said the joy in life is not in hearing the words ‘I love you,’ but in being lucky enough to say them.”