i was reading a memoir today called “fear” and it’s basically about this woman’s experience with fear. but not just the “i’m afraid of the dark” kind, but all kinds.
and there is a point where she says that with God, everything is different. opposite rather. for example she says, “…an ironic thing indeed, since biblical faith suggests success is found in failure, life in death, and strength in weakness. I had a lot to learn about love.” And I though, opposite of love? loneliness? no that can’t be right. oh yes hate. but, wait, i like loneliness as the option better.
it became an ingenious discovery, or something when I though it. love is found within loneliness. what in the world could that possibly mean? but it sounds right. although i am not quite yet sure what i mean by finding love within loneliness, only that i am fairly certain it is possible.
anyway, so this got me thinking more about the fact that we are all lonely people. seriously lonely.
i remember once, back in the day [a year or two ago] i would try to pretend like Jesus made me not feel so lonely anymore. but it was more that, i could never find myself within this promised comfort that all my friends at my school (the H) told me about. what was so wrong with me that i couldn’t do something as simple as be with Jesus? I remember thinking, “maybe I am just not really a Christian. A real Christian wouldn’t feel as lonely as me.”
And I remember those times, because I remember where my bed was. In the corner of my single, where it had been when I first moved in. [I must admit here, that I LOVED having my single.] But where my bed was, is a really big deal. It was before Christmas break. Before, I met *her.* And while [as a friend asked me this past week] I was never in love with her, it was that relationship that made me recognize the completeness another person makes for someone.
There is this blog that I read sometimes, I found it because they actually commented on my blog at the beginning of the semester, and I remember this one specific entry that [no matter how minescule the situation was] the blogger wrote: “I fought for you today.” And the whole blog goes on into this huge soliloquy about how they always fight for their lover. It was beautiful actually. Absolutely beautiful.
And, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t daydream once and a while about *her* [a different her than mentioned before- because it's not one specific person] and about being able to “fight” for my lover. my best friend.
that is such a stupid sentiment I know. I am being an idealist. I know. I will probably never find someone to fight for. I know.
In the words of a friend that I have known from high school, “I know tons of girls that would have you for a night and leave you feeling cheap and alone in the morning.”
Ah well, like I [hope] i have said before– I AM okay with being alone. I just think having someone to fight for would be [nice] I guess.
At the same time though, I don’t know if I would allow myself to just yet. Because, I could, I think, do that now. It would be what people might consider “unrequited love.” except that I don’t love them, or anyone rather.
But, if she is out there: I will fight for you. Because, if you really are out there, then I would regret it my whole life if I didn’t.
love [well maybe someday],
me
