[deep breath in][deep breath out] i feel like since friday life has just been following a pointed up-and-down motion. Almost like taking a knife and slicing up and then down a whole bunch of times.

I am not sure what it is.

I think its this peeked interest on one side, cross-faded into this sickness/ frustrated feeling on the other. And my frustration isn’t because I am gay necessarily, and it’s not because people don’t like that I’m gay. I think its just a general frustration that is becoming overwhelming inside of me. It’s for the end of the semester (which I still have a paper to write), it’s for sickness, it’s for the snow, it’s because I wish I met people sooner rather than later, it’s for my bible study, it’s for closed minds, it’s for my old car, not having any money, not having food in the house, not having gas. It’s for loneliness, and anxiety. But still being happy, but not wanting to be, because it would give me a chance to cry. It’s senioritis for college, but being terrified about not making enough money when i graduate to pay rent. It’s for working at a place that I hate, and for friends being in rehab (and their ex’s thinking they know everything about them and trying to “help” and feel connected even though they make the problem worse). It makes me hate “friends.” It’s all about loosing friends who once made you feel worthy. Being unsure if it was you or them that made things bad. But, blaming yourself because you are sure that they blame you anyways. It’s about feeling uncomfortable around those that you have just changed too much from. The only thing that was holding you together was your love of Jesus, and now that it’s gone. Or hidden. There is no more friendship. It’s about being proud of things you have done, but others not appreciating you for them. It’s about not wanting it to be about you, but feeling like it never is. It’s about blowing 70 dollars on your 21st, when you needed the money. For being greedy. Drunk phone calls, where friends laughed at the truth. Mistakes. It’s just about life I guess.

And now, my lungs are swollen, or at least, feel that way. Like I got punched in the chest one-too-many times.

But I know that I will be okay. After-all, it always is, isn’t it?