i realize that i have just been feeling bad for myself lately. But- why should I? i mean my birthday really was great. Even in the loneliness of life, I realized that across the waters of the Pacific and the Atlantic, I have people who DO care about me. That’s something that came as a very big surprise but made me all the more hopeful.

today is a gloomy day though, but I really do enjoy the rain. (just not after I make my hair all nice). But, I am kind of happy, in an element that I have learned to live in. I was reading a blog earlier that wrote about their experience in a Christian environment, and they were talking to someone about it, and they were told to have support outside the school, keep their chin up, and have a really good therapist.

i can only do one of those things….sometimes.

how do you get support outside of the school when there isn’t really anywhere for you to go? i know i long for it, and maybe i am just not looking in the right places. I mean, I live in freaking BOSTON for goodness sake. There are tons of gay people everywhere!!! So— why cant I find them?

and— when your insurance is your fathers and he lives a few states away, getting a quote on quote, “really good therapist” isn’t always an option. and i was just going to leave here, because I can, you know? But- I am just so tired of running away from my problems. I just need to be strong in this.

I just wish it were that easy.

But, like this blogger that I read, I am going to try and walk around today….with my head up.

im so emo when im sad.

forgive me.

twenty-one

I did it. OK—

I did it.

I did it loudly,
And I did it poorly.
And now you are
Doing it, and it’s OK.

Just not for me.

And now I can’t
even express myself
With words.

I am not out for myself, really,
Although I really wish I
Were.

And I do get
Thrills from making
Threatening phone calls.

[they make me] hope you cry yourself to sleep.

And I’ve done it
Or rather do it, still.
Even though
I knew you were—

Uncomfortable.

But you didn’t say
anything
to me that night. You just
gave me excuses and told me

I still love you.

It’s just that you can’t beat this—
Loneliness.

And I know that everyone
Is alone sometimes. But
sometimes doesn’t mean sometimes
for me anymore. And I’d like
to look like I have
It all together, but—

it’s like you can’t just
Let me be me. I can’t even be me
Without those nights. I can’t even
Mess up sometimes. Because as usual

Sometimes (for me) means—

Always.

i am so trashy. no seriously, i am.

i turned 21 on wed. and finally i am allowed to buy alcohol and go to the casino, and get trashed. finally.

except im ridiculous. and it makes me hate myself. is that bad? maybe. i mean, most people don’t like me the way i am right now. sober. and even more people dislike me when im drunk.

i never win. im just doomed to be the unintelligent gay half-christian girl, who will never commit to a relationship and make out with random BOYS when im drunk…and make the people who actually care about me get angry with me because i make stupid decisions. im too forward. not girly. and am not writing a very emo blog entry about how im a terrible person.

i suck.

THIS is LOVE in ACTION

so after about a week of working out this is what i’ve found:

1. you are always dehydrated (can’t get enough water) but when you are TRYING to get in your 8oz a day your body hates you for it (at the time).
2. because you are always drinking water for the reason above, you have to go pee (a lot) and this doesn’t help when you are in a three hour class).
3. you are always soar from working new muscles. you won’t feel it that day but the day after its like hell.
4. you are always hungry because you are burning calories.
5. you love bananas. (they are friends).
6. by the end of the week you wonder if you will make it every week until may.

that’s what i’ve learned….after a week. this better damn well be worth it. and—- it better get better.

Morning

“I know what it’s like to be
There,” I said. “And I know
That you don’t want to hear
It. But—

“I know what it’s like

“To be labeled by your faults.
To be set apart, because you have
Wrestled with death. I know what
It’s like re-visit your scars, and crumble
In fear of them—

“Or rather what they stand for,
And to still know how ‘they’
Define you, because, you have started to define
Yourself the same.

“I know what it’s like
To be compared to a girl, who unlike you
Has jumped to her death. To hear her called
‘The crazy one,’ and know—

“That they still speak of you.

“I know what it’s like to call yourself
Names. Mine were ones like:

“Time bomb,
Screw-up,
Crazy,
Selfish,
And fucked up.

“And I know what it’s like to use them,
Because they use them and think them,
And pretend like it’s okay.

“I understand the hurting
And the scorching pain. Sometimes
I would wonder why it was me bound there,
And I would speak of it
Sparingly, hoping that someone
Would look at me, and love

“Me in the same instant, enough
“To show me how to bare it
And not define me by it.
But I never found
That someone, because most just
Couldn’t ‘handle’ it.

“And now I that I am through
With wounds in place
And with thorns in my flesh,
I stand alone here, crying—

“For you.
Because I know what it’s like
But I also know I can’t do anything–

Except not give up on you and pray.”

why is it that exploring Christianity in any sense, not only confuses me, but automatically forces me to feel like i just have to go to this separate lifestyle. why can’t they both be okay?

and i constantly wonder if it is because of what society says, that causes my insecurity.

sometimes—

i just wish there was someone who i could talk to. sometimes.

(but i have hope that as the years pass, the younger generations won’t feel this way).

i do have more to say…but i am a little distracted. i will write tomorrow.

My Second Letter to the American Church

Dear (American) Church-

Hey! It’s been a week since I last wrote, and man, you were pretty upset with my letter. So, I realized that I might need to write a new one, and apologize.

You see Church, as I am learning, and growing I am realizing something: God works with what he is given. I mean, yes, he can do what he wants, but I think he chooses to work with what he has here. I mean he’s God, he probably knows how to work with people that we would never think he could work with.

Someone told me yesterday, that they used to get frustrated when they saw two different pastors preaching two different things. He would think You two need to get together and talk and work this out. “But,” he said, “I don’t think that is the point. Why can’t we have both? They are preaching two different important things based on who they are.” And I think he is right.

For so long, church, I have seen negative things about you. And when I talk about you as “Church” I mean to call you “the body of Christ” just so you know. Mostly I have just seen the metaphorically shut doors on the people of your country. But, saying that this is everyone, is just not fair.

I generalized too much about you in my last letter, and I shouldn’t have. It’s just that I see so much potential in you, and I am just so desperate for you to thrive on that potential. You tell me, “Well, then join us in community, and be the change you would like to see.” But, that’s just it. I don’t know if that is the best way to do it all, and if you haven’t noticed I am in community with you.

Either way, I think that there are people who do have it right, even among those that don’t. I wouldn’t know where to begin, especially because there are so many more of you than me. But, as I am learning that God works with what he is given, I am hopeful that he will work with you Church, even if you aren’t doing what he had hoped. Maybe, he didn’t even have any hopes about you. Maybe he just wanted you to be. To exist and thrive, and struggle. To be the new Israelites in a way.

Of course he doesn’t want you to be selective, but I think sometimes I see hints of you rising, to clean up our broken community. Just, don’t back down Church, and don’t hide behind your excuses. Let people see your beauty in your weakness! Let them be interested in you despite your faults! Stop hiding behind false images of yourself. You aren’t your stigma. Don’t let it define you!

And of course, I will try to give you “grace” as you put it. I will try to begin forgiving you for how you’ve hurt me. But, this might take a long time, because I am not sure what forgiveness is. I mean, I do see the example of Christ, but I am not sure I understand it completely yet.

So Church, I do hope you accept my apology. I do still stand by many of the things I said, but I didn’t give you enough credit for the good that you do, do.

Repentance: n. to be sorry (my own definition).

Sincerely,

A-still-concerned-but-more-forgiving-twenty-something