ok. alright. i will come to terms with whatever it is i need to.
i have been trying to deny the fact that i am bipolar since november two years ago. thats when i stopped taking medication and told my doctor he was a shit head. it’s not because i “don’t need it” but its because the shit that he used to give me wasn’t working correctly– and the only reason he wanted me on some of it– was because the medication was thought to help suppress appetite and help me lose weight. but instead of doing that it made me really manic. and to calm me down he put me on risperdal which they use for schizophrenia and bipolar. and that was too strong so i was adjusting my meds every week. id have three days manic, adjust and have two days that were good then get depressed, and then adjust have two good days and then get three manic days and adjust again.
if i think i am in a roller-coaster all the time now— that was much more constant.
and i have to be honest with myself that i am not okay these days…. and my moods are starting to be like they were while i was on the meds. some days just trying to focus on the kids and less on me helps me smile. while other times i find myself getting stressed out and having a hard time coping. and you know i hate using my “disability” as an excuse. i always have and most of the time i try to take responsibility for my actions.
but sometimes i find it so hard to find the patience or lack the ability to not take things personally. to hold things that aren’t mine tightly. but i just can’t. it’s not me. i have always been a person to just go with my gut. with my feelings. to say what i think needs to be said. to allow myself to get angry and to be sad. because it’s me.
and many days are lonely, as i suppose they are for others— i mean i lack the social skills to interact and be “cool.” i am one of my kids. who long to be accepted by a group of people who want to call themselves my friends and to not be reminded of the fact that i get angry or that i have periods of depression.
i understand it is hard for other people but you know— it’s hard for me to hurt the people i love unintentionally. and i am reminded every day about how horrible the things i do are. how “negative” i am or how unpredictable i am.
i just want to not be dropped again by my “friends” (which i lack in a great number). but i guess it just is whatever. you know? just whatever.
and life is always about everyone else, right?
and about making sure that you are the one that isn’t left behind. and i guess that there always has to be someone who is—-
which is why i would rather leave first— before i am left. (and i don’t mean that about my girlfriend— and i say that for her because i know she reads this).
but—- it’s just like i have the world against me. you know? a bipolar lesbian woman living in a sea full of christians).
you know?