Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.
But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know.
Other echoes
Inhabit the garden. Shall we follow?
Quick, said the bird, find them, find them,
Round the corner. Through the first gate,
Into our first world, shall we follow
The deception of the thrush? Into our first world.
There they were, dignified, invisible,
Moving without pressure, over the dead leaves,
In the autumn heat, through the vibrant air,
And the bird called, in response to
The unheard music hidden in the shrubbery,
And the unseen eyebeam crossed, for the roses
Had the look of flowers that are looked at.
There they were as our guests, accepted and accepting.
So we moved, and they, in a formal pattern,
Along the empty alley, into the box circle,
To look down into the drained pool.
Dry the pool, dry concrete, brown edged,
And the pool was filled with water out of sunlight,
And the lotos rose, quietly, quietly,
The surface glittered out of heart of light,
And they were behind us, reflected in the pool.
Then a cloud passed, and the pool was empty.
Go, said the bird, for the leaves were full of children,
Hidden excitedly, containing laughter.
Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
From “Burnt Norton”
There is not much to say tonight….
but i feel as though i should say something before I toss myself to sleep… earlier than i am used to.
I have realized that I do not need that thing to keep me from being lonely….. because I am not lonely these days… I am okay with myself… well not with MYSELF but i am getting better at being okay in the empty moments. as, i have mostly been alone.
but, i am trying to change. i know it needs to happen…. and i think a lot of people reach this point….. at least, that is what i am told……
but i am smiling…. self deprecating a bit, though who wouldn’t be when they actually start to admit the bad things….. i dont want them to be true so i act like they are not—- but they are there even in the cover up…. and its hard to share the bad things you’ve done with the people you’ve done it to…. but i guess i have nothing left to lose…..
[deep breath]
it’s going to be okay…. and as i said a very long time ago… i am going to look back one day and think “hey i am on flat land…. and that hump? oh shit— it’s all the way back there….”
Sorrow…
Fly leaf is wonderful… I’ve been listening to them for years…. and I think I really dig the way they make their music videos. They are though, a Christian Screamo/Rock/Punk band I guess. Most of their stuff isn’t all preachy or anything, but when I first started to listen to them (when I was working at my college bookstore we used to get samples or new bands on the labels that we sold and they were one of the demo’s I got before the first CD came out) ANNYWAY so when I first started to listen to them, I read up on them and thought that it was really cool that they wanted to be a band that sang music which normally had so many negatives in it, and they wanted to shed hope within their lyrics. Not by mentioning Jesus, but just by saying— yes this sucks ass, however….
great music. watch the video cool kid.
Finally finished my paper for American Lit on In Our Time… I am actually quite happy that I wrote the paper on this novel or else I wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I do right now. Sure my prof. said it would be a fun paper, a fun conversation and it is. I am going to post an excerpt from it since I think it is quite fascinating and also quite beautiful…
“And while there are critics who view the story as Nick story alone, it’s not his alone, it is his as well. Really, it is the story of everyone, even though each story might not match up particularly. But they all share some good, and some bad, or some just bad, and some just good. And, the canvas of everything, the binding of the book, only holds these stories as overlapping events into a world that we are all intimate with even if the situations are seen from afar. We all experience death, hunger, hurt, love, betrayal, frustration, etc. We all have the capacity to do harm and good as well. But, as the poet Oriah Mountain Dreamer put best, “I want to know if you can be alone/ with yourself/ and if you truly like the company you keep/ in the empty moments” (The Invitation).
The end of the book is this exactly. In fact, Nick enjoys that company he keeps so much more at that moment, than deciding to go into the swamp, yet he knows its there for when he is ready. It’s almost as if the story comes to a point there by saying, “there will seem to be as much bad as there is good in the world, and although the bad is so much more memorable it makes those good moments worth it. And those times alone, seem blissful, and they are there for you at the end of the day.” It also seems to point at the end of the story that these things will change the world, and the way we view it. Nick notices how the town is deserted, which means that it wasn’t once. And yet, again, in the change, and in the quiet, it’s okay. It just is. The fish, swimming beneath him are okay as well. And it that’s where the web lies connecting this story , and separating it from a collection of stories, even if that’s what it is as well. The main theme of the novel lies in how connected we all are, and how each of our experiences aren’t that different from each other, even if they lie in different situations.”
There is probably some proofreading left to be done in that… but I would say that it is a beautiful thing, that we are all connected. Especially with my previous posts and what I have been feeling and the conversations I have had. I am reminded for once of the beauty of the world even in the horrible things that happen. In knowing that we are all human and that we are all capable of death of dying of causing it or living it. And in the end, the best part of it is being happy in those moments with our own company… and I am happy that I am pursuing this. Though as the novel shares it isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy though we would like it to be.
And one day, I as well will venture back to the swamp. But for now, I’d like to try and have the fishes and the silence be intimate parts of my life…
I would like to end up like Nick, in my own life. And I think I hope that for anyone who cares to read my words…
I hope for everyone to enjoy the company they keep in the empty moments.
Ah… the beauty of the human predicament.
“I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.”
Goal: I want this…. then I want to go back…. not until then. That would make me a hypocrite, and who needs that? I already won’t get my friends back, better like the company I keep in the empty moments……ideal? maybe?
This is however already in the works…. I made a few phone calls today and yesterday—- it’s about time for another hump I guess….. just in a non sexual way.
Note to Self:
Never be vulnerable and never EVER be flawed.
Ever.
Signed,
Me.
Are you really that fucked up?
Okay, so I get being angry with me, but do you really have to hurt other people to hurt me? Because in the end… those people that did care for me— some day, some way, somehow….. if they were really friends…. they will have just stepped back for some time.
And for those people that get caught up in the rumors…. it just shows how immature you are. If you know/knew me, you know my character….. and the bad stuff my flaws they make great fuel— but in the end you know the constant me…. and thats all there is to it. You know who i was constantly…. and if there were bad things under the surface… well— you have them too. And they all come out— just like I have seen people i cared deeply for—- how their bad parts do come out and are existant.
And it reminds me that we are all human…. even me….. and i will make mistakes… and i have to forgive myself for them and not wait for other people to forgive me…. because if they do that says loads about their character…. just like listening to all the rumors or the exaggerated tales…. that stuff that your friend told you about me….yeah that stuff will tell you of your character also…..
i am done being sorry. i am sorry for what i have done and have said my peace….its over…. it is done… i am moving on. when the rest of you are ready to join me…. your presence will be welcomed.
I am a bit off today. I haven’t been sleeping well. But, going to bed early all the same.
Still hurting, because even though I messed up I am still allowed to hurt from it. I was telling a friend of mine that I am great at refueling situations—– making things that are already bad horribly worse. It’s my temper—- if I can’t control the situation I get angry. Horribly.
I don’t know why I do that. Maybe if I just let things pass they will pass more smoothly— but all of “them” are more raw than they were I think. And now I have less control than before….. great job eh?
And I think in some way I must heal from myself too. Knowing this time, it is my fault— and that I have to take responsibility for what I did, and try if I can…to move on.
How sad is it that I am miserable over a game, huh? Especially a game that was/ and is supposed to be fun.
I need to just get over the stupid game, and search a website on addictions.
——edit——-
the word i have been searching for, for two days—— betrayal.
i guess we are all capable of it, even though we didn’t think we were huh?
and my friend says that they are still in denial in someways that it happened. and that because they still love me it’s why it hurts so much and that’s where the anger comes from. and you know, i think i myself am still trying to wrap my own mind about what i did, and what happened… and kind of sit in aw of the fact that i did something that i never thought i’d do…..
makes me wish i wasn’t human…..
and i guess thats what makes me cry in my sleep—-
Just..
just another reason to remind myself that I really am what they say….
I am a hermit among men….
I remember when I first saw this ad. It was at a time, where I felt like I could do anything, almost. That who I was, would help shape the world some day. I believed that there MUST be some BIG plans out there for me. And I would like to believe that it was at this time that I was anything but negative. I was cynical, yes, but not negative.
And ever since my grandmother passed, it’s like life is just ripping away those that I want to be around me. If I was still a Christian I would take it as some sort of test of self, and I’d go back to the belief that I still hold that you should never be emotionally involved with someone if you are not okay alone.
Maybe that’s what happened. Maybe I am not okay alone, so I am not okay with other people.
I read once too, that your real life, comes out full speed in Second Life (this weird virtual second life type game). And no matter how “cool” I dress…. or how “good” my dance moves are…. I am still a wanderer. Now, parts of me have always wanted to find something needed in this type of person…in the type who I am. I have also had conversations with friends who are the same “type” and I guess we all feel the same. No real close group to be connected to, yet connected at the same time. A friend tonight told me, randomly (although knowing her it probably wasn’t too random either as she’s pretty intuitive) “You’re ok, and you’re going to be fine.” And, she explained this as, “you’re nice….and you’ll find your place eventually….”
Yet, I feel so disintegrated from EVERYTHING. Everything everyone tells me life is supposed to be. And because of my place is outside looking in—- and seeing the wonderful people alongside those who are more wicked than seems managable….
I feel like the outcast..the misfit…the square blocks in circle holes….because….if there are people who seem to me to be crueler than I—– and they have people who love them……there MUST be something really wrong with me….
or just not enough love for me to have…. and just enough for me to give….
