09
Dec
08

From “Burnt Norton”

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.
But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know.
Other echoes
Inhabit the garden. Shall we follow?
Quick, said the bird, find them, find them,
Round the corner. Through the first gate,
Into our first world, shall we follow
The deception of the thrush? Into our first world.
There they were, dignified, invisible,
Moving without pressure, over the dead leaves,
In the autumn heat, through the vibrant air,
And the bird called, in response to
The unheard music hidden in the shrubbery,
And the unseen eyebeam crossed, for the roses
Had the look of flowers that are looked at.
There they were as our guests, accepted and accepting.
So we moved, and they, in a formal pattern,
Along the empty alley, into the box circle,
To look down into the drained pool.
Dry the pool, dry concrete, brown edged,
And the pool was filled with water out of sunlight,
And the lotos rose, quietly, quietly,
The surface glittered out of heart of light,
And they were behind us, reflected in the pool.
Then a cloud passed, and the pool was empty.
Go, said the bird, for the leaves were full of children,
Hidden excitedly, containing laughter.
Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.

09
Dec
08

There is not much to say tonight….

but i feel as though i should say something before I toss myself to sleep… earlier than i am used to.

I have realized that I do not need that thing to keep me from being lonely….. because I am not lonely these days… I am okay with myself… well not with MYSELF but i am getting better at being okay in the empty moments. as, i have mostly been alone.

but, i am trying to change. i know it needs to happen…. and i think a lot of people reach this point….. at least, that is what i am told……

but i am smiling…. self deprecating a bit, though who wouldn’t be when they actually start to admit the bad things….. i dont want them to be true so i act like they are not—- but they are there even in the cover up…. and its hard to share the bad things you’ve done with the people you’ve done it to…. but i guess i have nothing left to lose…..

[deep breath]

it’s going to be okay…. and as i said a very long time ago… i am going to look back one day and think “hey i am on flat land…. and that hump? oh shit— it’s all the way back there….”

06
Dec
08

Sorrow…

Fly leaf is wonderful… I’ve been listening to them for years…. and I think I really dig the way they make their music videos. They are though, a Christian Screamo/Rock/Punk band I guess. Most of their stuff isn’t all preachy or anything, but when I first started to listen to them (when I was working at my college bookstore we used to get samples or new bands on the labels that we sold and they were one of the demo’s I got before the first CD came out) ANNYWAY so when I first started to listen to them, I read up on them and thought that it was really cool that they wanted to be a band that sang music which normally had so many negatives in it, and they wanted to shed hope within their lyrics. Not by mentioning Jesus, but just by saying— yes this sucks ass, however….

:-)

great music. watch the video cool kid.

05
Dec
08

In Our Time… a reflection on my essay…

Finally finished my paper for American Lit on In Our Time… I am actually quite happy that I wrote the paper on this novel or else I wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I do right now. Sure my prof. said it would be a fun paper, a fun conversation and it is. I am going to post an excerpt from it since I think it is quite fascinating and also quite beautiful…

“And while there are critics who view the story as Nick story alone, it’s not his alone, it is his as well. Really, it is the story of everyone, even though each story might not match up particularly. But they all share some good, and some bad, or some just bad, and some just good. And, the canvas of everything, the binding of the book, only holds these stories as overlapping events into a world that we are all intimate with even if the situations are seen from afar. We all experience death, hunger, hurt, love, betrayal, frustration, etc. We all have the capacity to do harm and good as well. But, as the poet Oriah Mountain Dreamer put best, “I want to know if you can be alone/ with yourself/ and if you truly like the company you keep/ in the empty moments” (The Invitation).
The end of the book is this exactly. In fact, Nick enjoys that company he keeps so much more at that moment, than deciding to go into the swamp, yet he knows its there for when he is ready. It’s almost as if the story comes to a point there by saying, “there will seem to be as much bad as there is good in the world, and although the bad is so much more memorable it makes those good moments worth it. And those times alone, seem blissful, and they are there for you at the end of the day.” It also seems to point at the end of the story that these things will change the world, and the way we view it. Nick notices how the town is deserted, which means that it wasn’t once. And yet, again, in the change, and in the quiet, it’s okay. It just is. The fish, swimming beneath him are okay as well. And it that’s where the web lies connecting this story , and separating it from a collection of stories, even if that’s what it is as well. The main theme of the novel lies in how connected we all are, and how each of our experiences aren’t that different from each other, even if they lie in different situations.”

There is probably some proofreading left to be done in that… but I would say that it is a beautiful thing, that we are all connected. Especially with my previous posts and what I have been feeling and the conversations I have had. I am reminded for once of the beauty of the world even in the horrible things that happen. In knowing that we are all human and that we are all capable of death of dying of causing it or living it. And in the end, the best part of it is being happy in those moments with our own company… and I am happy that I am pursuing this. Though as the novel shares it isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy though we would like it to be.

And one day, I as well will venture back to the swamp. But for now, I’d like to try and have the fishes and the silence be intimate parts of my life…

I would like to end up like Nick, in my own life. And I think I hope that for anyone who cares to read my words…

I hope for everyone to enjoy the company they keep in the empty moments.

Ah… the beauty of the human predicament.

04
Dec
08

“I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.”

Goal: I want this…. then I want to go back…. not until then. That would make me a hypocrite, and who needs that? I already won’t get my friends back, better like the company I keep in the empty moments……ideal? maybe?

This is however already in the works…. I made a few phone calls today and yesterday—- it’s about time for another hump I guess….. just in a non sexual way.

04
Dec
08

Note to Self:

Never be vulnerable and never EVER be flawed.

Ever.

Signed,
Me.

04
Dec
08

Are you really that fucked up?

Okay, so I get being angry with me, but do you really have to hurt other people to hurt me? Because in the end… those people that did care for me— some day, some way, somehow….. if they were really friends…. they will have just stepped back for some time.

And for those people that get caught up in the rumors…. it just shows how immature you are. If you know/knew me, you know my character….. and the bad stuff my flaws they make great fuel— but in the end you know the constant me…. and thats all there is to it. You know who i was constantly…. and if there were bad things under the surface… well— you have them too. And they all come out— just like I have seen people i cared deeply for—- how their bad parts do come out and are existant.

And it reminds me that we are all human…. even me….. and i will make mistakes… and i have to forgive myself for them and not wait for other people to forgive me…. because if they do that says loads about their character…. just like listening to all the rumors or the exaggerated tales…. that stuff that your friend told you about me….yeah that stuff will tell you of your character also…..

i am done being sorry. i am sorry for what i have done and have said my peace….its over…. it is done… i am moving on. when the rest of you are ready to join me…. your presence will be welcomed.

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