Sleep-like and Writing for her

Living in mists like dreams
I type,
I hallucinate,
I miss your face.

Imagining it there
as I awake.
In a screen,

On a chair.
The newspaper.
Hanging from a rooftop.

Words are cloudy,
but my heart aches
from the separation
of yours.

Begging me to bring you
back, as I can do everything
but replace you.

I miss you,
I miss you,
I miss you
echos in my head as i sleep.

Even writing this dream-like
and half awoken
My fingers know the keys
and roam over them

as I imagine telling you
of those things that changed
and only wanting to hold you
tracing your silhouette with that
feather that you haven’t gotten yet.

And still wishing that it had been
my girl i held as i danced
among the lights
last night.

Waiting…

I write for the moments
that I know I am missing you.
Quite silly that I’d wait
around, wondering
if you think of me
as often as I think of your
velvet skin, the laugh you have—

dancing effervescently along the walls
and in the shadows.

And I’d try to change
how it is. Because I know that
this feeling, while
the best thing I’ve ever
felt before

is beneficial to no one.

It’s foolish
(as I have always
called it).

But every time
I hear a Southern voice
I think of you.

And dream of you
in my nights and
through my days again.

)))

more happy than i seem i guess. )))

This is SO fucked

So, I got an email today from my boss talking about how my company is suspending a certain program to “find a better way” to build our team. ie. even though I have a rockin’ job in the store, I am now going back to what I used to do… ie. 9 hours a week probably. which SUCKS ASS!

I have to be honest that I am wicked pissed off. I think it’s way shitty, and I am annoyed that we weren’t warned that this was going to be happening ahead of time.

Remind me to find a new job, asap.

Please.

so not much to say tonight…this morning… fell asleep on the couch, watching tv which i never ever do, since i dont even watch tv usually. its four am now. i woke up about an hour ago and i am not tired much. went to the gym today, and laughed at how busy it was. it was busy im sure because of everyone making resolutions for the new year to lose weight. going again this afternoon with my buddy christina. should be a grand time. im pretty crazy about the feelings of pushing through the tiredness and the pain when you are working out until it just kind of becomes like a normal movement for a while. or uh, maybe thats just me?

in my other life, my sl life, the drama is definitely quieting down. though i have a small feeling that with our group there will always be drama. lol as there is always someone upset about something. but my drama is chilling out, and i am happy with the way i handled it, as I feel as I have mostly been mature about it. though I won’t write much about it here, since well, it’s over and hopefully done.

i dont think much about ri’s life anymore, though once in a while, like yesterday, i am reminded of the people that were left/left her behind, but thats about it. someone told me the other day that they were with them but hadnt wanted to tell me because there was still tension, but the point of the matter is i don’t really care anymore. i said what i had to, did what i had to, put the ball in their court and either it wasnt accepted or they are still trying to work through shit. i have been lucky enough to move past it. my new sl life is even more than i could have ever asked for and doesn’t make me regret becoming reborn, and i feel quite supported with the people i care deeply for. of course it would be nice sometimes if they (ri’s friends) were able to be a part of that, but life, especially in sl, includes people walking in and out quickly. as i said prior i think, i do hope they are all happy, as that’s the place that i have found myself.

anyway in my real life, i have finished school, finally. finished. over. absolutely and completely done with, thank GOD! work for apple has been good and bad, though i am frustrated with my management a bit, but I am talking to HR about it, because it is pretty ridiculous. Uhm, trying to get a job at a hospital around here, still waiting for them to have an opening or something like that? we will see what happens. I was told by the guy i interviewed with NOT to give up hope as he was still interested in having me work for the hospital. So that would rock.

but the best thing about everything is that i actually get days off now. Even if its not on the weekend, I kind of get my own little weekends, etc. and it’s WAY nice. I am SO thankful for that, and for the freedom. The ability to pay my bills. That my roommates will pay their parts of the bills, etc.

and now my eyes are a bit droopy. i hope this random post wasn’t too confusing or lame. see you all on the flip side.

oh and the movie below is one that i have been working on at work. its one of my friends bands called The Situationals. Check em.

I have come to realize that I only REALLY post when things start to go wrong. Almost like an outlet or something. I read once that there was a study done that claimed that blogging was actually quite helpful in times of trouble because its an outlet that keeps you from having to actually tell EVERYONE a million times what happened in a situation, and relive it each time you told them.

However, tonight I am going to try and break that trend, as I have been consumed in SL, and need to find a little bit more room outside of it. So, I would hope that here, or through something else (I am gonna try to write a song tomorrow) that I can start to ween myself off a bit, not cut it out completely, but not be so stuck to it.

Tonight was a good start for that as I actually let myself sleep for a few hours before coming on. I didn’t even plan to but I just couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t all that entertaining. I just kind of came out of drama that I will take responsibility for even if no one else wants me to. Not that it was all my fault, but well— I am sure I could have prevented it. Though, I was kind of on the receiving end this time. All things come around, eh? And, I have seen more-so now, the importance of reactions and what is or is not an appropriate reaction.

Though, I think also that it’s human nature that makes us react. But, I think that when you care for someone putting their best interest before our own and NOT reacting badly to a situation says loads about how you care for them. And, I want to be the girl that cares for others, since I know I do. But, if I spend all my time complaining that people react badly towards me, then I have no time to think about how I react towards them. (I think I have just said the word “react” too many times in the same paragraph).

But, even with this drama, I am happy. Things will work out for all of us, and for me it’s been worth it. Not just because I have been forced to practice holding back, saying only what needs to be said… and not just because I kind of saw what I did from a new angle…. but because I am happy with the people that have started to become part of my core. Part of who I look forward to seeing every day. Not only in SL but also RL as a bunch of them are starting to play and… there is just something about SL that brings us together (in the sense that you just dont understand it unless you are playing it) and so you almost have this code for this other life that you share, and we talk about it likes its real, because in ways it is, and in others its not.

And, I am happy to report that even though I didn’t think I would be, I am okay. And I am happy. And it seems as those that I lost along the way are as well, and while I didn’t think that would make me happy, since I couldn’t be a part of it…. well…. I am happy for them. And, they’ve taught me loads about aspects of my character that I wish I had known before I met them. Still all bitter sweet, but healing, and healing well— hopefully on all ends of the spectrum.

What makes healing easier too, is having friends that know what happened, and treating me no different…. and not thinking worse of me for it… for reaffirming me in who I am, and who I know I’d like to be, and then pushing me towards that. I am thankful for those friends.

And all of this, applies, like i said, to both lives. Each, yes, being important to me in different ways.

Anyway, my eyes are dropping. Sleep comes soon. Maybe more entries on a positive note in the future.

Heya! Not much has changed since the last post with the confusion, etc. But, I guess that’s not my problem as I was kind of blindsided. Just says a lot about a persons character I guess? Not my problem to try and make right or feel bad about if you refuse to talk with me. You reminded me once that what I did, friends don’t do to friends. And trust me, I have learned from that greatly and have made sure honesty is at the top of my list with my third life as it wasn’t with my second apparently. But, I feel the same about what you did to me. But maybe I am wrong, as you liked to tell me that all the time anyway. I’d try to put myself in your shoes, as you’d hope I would, but that’s kind of hard since it could be a million things that are wrong. So I will not pay you that courtesy.

Other things are fantastic though, and I don’t think about the above much anyway. I don’t have time for that shit. Though the hardest part is that I do have a new friend, a good one that reminds me of one of my more favorite people that I lost in the mess. So everytime I talk with her, I feel like I am talking to that other person, but I am not since yes they are different. They are both just the same age, with the same sense of humor, and a fuckin awesome taste in music.

But I really love my new friend for who she is, not who she is not.

School is basically done. I got my final grades from chemistry and happy to report that no, I did not fail. And I passed in a final paper yesterday, and am passing in some make up work today if I get off this damn thing and finish.

Work though is another story. They need to fire one of my managers. She made me almost walk out last night because I asked for a 15 and she reprimanded me for it. I am sorry, but there is something clearly wrong with that. Clearly. But the state law she cannot deny me a 15 let alone reprimand me for asking for one. I’m reporting it. That is all there is to it. It’s not the fact that I was told I couldn’t have one, but the fact that I was told that I wouldn’t be able to go full time if I asked for 15’s. Can anyone say, illegal?

Yeah… I can.

…um?

I am not sure what I did….

I would hope that I would at least get the respect to be told why you just dropped me that way….

I am getting really tired of both of these lives.

I hate what hurting feels like… especially when you don’t know how it could have been prevented.

— I am not angry…. just hurting….:-/

It’s so fookin early. My eyes hurt at the light behind me. Screw this. I’m going back to bed……

But I am not because I have to do that little thing us grown ups are calling work….at 8am. ugh. 8 am on Sunday. That sucks.

ANYWAY.

Things are going a lot better than where they were at… I am definitely finding it in me to move on, and have in most part, forgiven myself. What they do with what I’ve given them is up to them, and I no longer take responsibility for their own reactions and healing. Though I do wish them well.

I can see the difference though in how things are now. I am making new friends as I said. I can see this, when I am invited to some random party and walk in and get my name with exclamation points after. Or when I get random friend adds with people who actually TALK to you after they add you…though, I get hit on by men a lot…. maybe I should make it perfectly clear that I am not into that….. [shrugs]

Though I would be lying if I said that I never think about “them” you know…..I miss them wildly some days… others not as much. I told one friend that sometimes it felt like I was exiled.. which I guess I was…. but I don’t mean that to sound bad…just a passing comment…. it’s hard not to care about people that you did care about deeply….I still try to keep up with them in any way that I can…. not to bother…. just to know… because I care….and I’d like to think they do the same…

Things in general seem to be doing better. My roommate is working more, and is happier with a little bit of cash in his pocket. My other half is well, making it I think. But, she went to a party the other night, and she came back in great spirits and I think she had a great time. And I, well, I am getting there. Sometimes I wish I had people around me like I used to. That’s why I miss living on campus… if you wanna hang with someone you just go to their room and hang… but if you don’t then fuck em. You know?

I’ve been invited by work people places… but it’s hard. If it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. You know? Like I wanted to go see twilight with them, but I got home and didn’t get the text and crashed. I was as tired about then as I am now. [yawns].

Gotta go throw the hair in braids for the day and see if I can wake up my roommate (its 6:45 here) and get him to move his gfs truck…. not looking forward to that….

peace.

They have all been sent now… and now it’s time to go…. move on….

right?

So now… I’ve said what I need to… I hope… for closure…. not for me just yet… but for them (as I have been told it is for them)……

and I’ve said things that I never hoped I’d have to share…. and my heart has broken each time…. only a little….

I still miss them sometimes…. and of course I wonder if they will ever miss me…. but I guess thats the price I have to pay….. for slipping so far from where I had been…..

One of them told me yesterday, not to keep beating myself up about it—- but it’s not about “it” it’s about all of everything that I did…. I beat myself up because of who I became…. who I still am….

I don’t want to be that person anymore…..