July 26, 2008

ok. alright. i will come to terms with whatever it is i need to.

i have been trying to deny the fact that i am bipolar since november two years ago. thats when i stopped taking medication and told my doctor he was a shit head. it’s not because i “don’t need it” but its because the shit that he used to give me wasn’t working correctly– and the only reason he wanted me on some of it– was because the medication was thought to help suppress appetite and help me lose weight. but instead of doing that it made me really manic. and to calm me down he put me on risperdal which they use for schizophrenia and bipolar. and that was too strong so i was adjusting my meds every week. id have three days manic, adjust and have two days that were good then get depressed, and then adjust have two good days and then get three manic days and adjust again.

if i think i am in a roller-coaster all the time now— that was much more constant.

and i have to be honest with myself that i am not okay these days…. and my moods are starting to be like they were while i was on the meds. some days just trying to focus on the kids and less on me helps me smile. while other times i find myself getting stressed out and having a hard time coping. and you know i hate using my “disability” as an excuse. i always have and most of the time i try to take responsibility for my actions.

but sometimes i find it so hard to find the patience or lack the ability to not take things personally. to hold things that aren’t mine tightly. but i just can’t. it’s not me. i have always been a person to just go with my gut. with my feelings. to say what i think needs to be said. to allow myself to get angry and to be sad. because it’s me.

and many days are lonely, as i suppose they are for others— i mean i lack the social skills to interact and be “cool.” i am one of my kids. who long to be accepted by a group of people who want to call themselves my friends and to not be reminded of the fact that i get angry or that i have periods of depression.

i understand it is hard for other people but you know— it’s hard for me to hurt the people i love unintentionally. and i am reminded every day about how horrible the things i do are. how “negative” i am or how unpredictable i am.

i just want to not be dropped again by my “friends” (which i lack in a great number). but i guess it just is whatever. you know? just whatever.

and life is always about everyone else, right?

and about making sure that you are the one that isn’t left behind. and i guess that there always has to be someone who is—-

which is why i would rather leave first— before i am left. (and i don’t mean that about my girlfriend— and i say that for her because i know she reads this).

but—- it’s just like i have the world against me. you know? a bipolar lesbian woman living in a sea full of christians).

you know?

June 29, 2008

i hate not having control. it makes me anxious and depressed and i all of the sudden don’t have any control over my emotions. and ever since i’ve been here I have found myself feel like that.

and its days like today and the rest of the summer that makes me wish i was addicted to nicotine because i am insanely jealous of everyone who uses the drug to calm their nerves.

on the inside i think everyone must feel like me.

Have you been tested? May 31, 2008

May 29, 2008

I just can’t take anymore of this. It’s like the girl has bad luck drawn to her. I mean shit, if I was her I wouldn’t believe in God either, and if I did, I would believe that he has a personal vendetta for me.

And there is only so much that I can take, I mean DAMN IT! I am going to leave for the summer and the girl is going to have been hit by a truck that just happened to wander into the parking lot and slam on its gas accidentally.

And it’s all so overwhelming. Especially for me— when I have to admit that I have pretty decent “luck.” Or I am just one someone’s A list.

I am just not equipped to handle it.

And I am beyond overwhelmed.

May 18, 2008

Life is very lonely these days….

April 28, 2008

So I was working yesterday. Had a five hour shift and then a store meeting (which I was promised would be fun) and it was all okay. I really like the people who I work with. When I used to work at my school’s bookstore there was no room to laugh at those things, you just came in every week (sometimes– since they never really communicated well WHEN the meetings were) and they would tell you how much we did, how much we have to make, and that if iwe don’t make it hours have to get cut.

Shoot– I hated that fucking job. I mean not at first when it was a small bookstore, and you have the same shift either twice or three times a weeks. Yeah— I miss the old bookstore.

The only problem with my meeting is that I got out at 10pm, and didn’t have much time for homework. Thus, I am going to have to do it today before I go to class. :-/.I hope this gets done.

And then, tonight, I have to find my way back to work. Shouldn’t be horrible as it’s a monday, and monday’s are pretty slow nights.

In other news, my kitten is a freakin’ spaz. This morning he jumped into the open sock drawer, disappeared for a moment, and then popped his head out with a sock in his mouth, and ran out into the hall way. And now I have to keep him from trying to bite the hairbrush on the table, my foot, and the wires sticking out of the TV— all while I write this, pat my head and rub my tummy.

Life’s hard. Shit.

Looks drizzly out. It’s about damn time. You know?

And– things with Shy are getting better. We are talking about the option of moving out of this place in August if her brother is better off by himself financially with his section 8. She has a meeting with the woman tomorrow, and they are both going to find out the best options— and possibly even see if this place is the best one for us. The problem is that while I can live here under section 8— if I am making money— especially when I start working full time— I can really mess up the payment shit with it. And I don’t want to screw Peter over. At the same time though, I don’t want to be fucked over. So– Shy and I are looking around.

I posted something on Craigslist and actually got a response. Definitely within our price range— all utilities included— in a nice area in our area— but it’s an in-law apartment, and there is no stove— its an oven with burners on top— which might mean that it’s small— but could be something nice for the year we are there, so that I can get myself started up and so that if something happens where I cannot pay for rent at all— Shy could take over for the month IF she had to.

But we will see what happens. Personally— I kind of want to go check the place out. It’s right by the beach, and still close to my town— and small— but big enough for us, for now I think. This way Shyra can also work overtime, and I don’t have to worry about my hours once I do start a full time job.

I guess time will only tell.

April 22, 2008

does everyone really have to bring up how hurtful and horrible I am all the time?

I have thought about this for a lot of my adult life thus far, and I can’t understand how EVERYONE I grow with tells me that I am horrible and hurtful. That I get REALLY angry and after getting angry a couple times they just like to remind me that I got angry— REALLY angry that one time.

But it’s like every one of these people forget those moments that they were just as frustrated and just as hurtful. And I laugh and I agree— but it hurts so much inside.

And I don’t understand why it is, that all I get told is bad things— and people just seem to always forget to tell me the good also. Or they tell me good things but just have to include “even WHEN you are angry— I still love you.” I mean— is it necessary?

Most of the time— it just hurts.

April 21, 2008

So I guess I should write about what has been going on with me lately. Although, to be honest sometimes I just don’t feel like talking about– but I will– you know to get it out there and to write something for once.

I have been pretty depressed lately. But not the kind that is all teenage angsty (I’ve gotten past that I think). But basically I am burning myself out with things that shouldn’t burn me out. For example I work, and I go to school, and I do homework, and take care of my girlfriend- our two cats- and her brother.

At the same time I am starting to pay my own bills (such as a cell phone and cable and car insurance). And— I am still TAing. Sometimes it just makes me tired and sick. I get headaches and get angry and then take it out on everyone.

So- Shy and I have decided that I need a break. I need to just stop, for a whole day. I need to go to Provincetown. The Cape. Somewhere.

Plus– I am still struggling to get over my grandmother’s death. I mean it’s easy to say but really hard to believe still. I miss her a lot. And sometimes I just pretend like I haven’t called her lately. But my mom moved to my grandmothers old house, and my grandmothers number is theirs now and my grandmothers name pops up when its called and stuff. Or the fact that I am driving HER car.

I duno. I just miss her so much sometimes. I miss calling her and talking to her. I miss her hugs and her back rubs. I miss her voice. Her smell. Her wrinkly hands. And how stubborn she was.

She was so stubborn that when we were kids she used to MAKE me use a towel JUST for my hair. SO I would go into the bathroom with like four separate towels. First- the regular one. Second the floor mat. Third the hand towel for my hair. And fourth the washcloth. Because I HAD to use a washcloth to wash my body. (I never did though, id just get it wet and then hang it over the tub).

So yeah, my school work isn’t so good right now. Although I am doing fine in my Russian Lit class, and have the capacity to bring my grade up in both of my other classes. So I am just trying to truck on through. Today I get my Italian exam back and I don’t want to go to school because I know it will ruin my day.

Besides I am already feeling pretty melancholy because of the weather that is outside and the fact that yesterday my first “free” day of the last few months was taken up with my girlfriends family (again). Not that I don’t like that— I love them. And I like seeing them— but what I assumed was going to be a short trip— getting her brother out of the house— turned into an 8-9 hour excursion. I mean, that’s a long time. And then everyone seemed annoyed that I had a headache. It’s not my fault that you are watching me build up before a mental breakdown.

And it sucks because— guess what? I can’t afford that right now.

April 17, 2008

i am NOT okay.

April 14, 2008

I hate ignorance.

hate. hate. hate. hate. hate.